Hello!
Lately I have read quite a lot of people posting about toxic relationship and their thoughts on it. So I had to join as well (FOMO alert). But instead of sharing my thoughts on it, I will just write about my story.
I know I was the toxic one.
Story time.
So I was in a relationship from 2014-2018, early 2019 but the relationship actually ended on 2018 but formally, 2019. Complicated, I know. Does going to massage parlour (brothel) counted as cheating? If yes then, during those 3 years, I have been cheated numerous times. Stupid me believe he could change, later the wiser me know people can’t change that fast. But nope, he didn’t change of course. The last straw was when he cheated on me with actual girl, I mean the girl he fell with. The girl he said “helped me get a new job when you didn’t do anything”. Boy, that girl put your CV on the HR table, and I helped giving good word to the boss (who was contemplating whether to hire you or not).
We should go back to earlier time when he cheated on me with brothel girls. He told me he was sorry, but since I can’t fulfil his “needs” so he had to, but he promised to not do it again. But then he lied. Then after that I began to develop anxiety. I felt anxious when I don’t know where he is at that time, or when he doesn’t reply to my text, or answer my call. I would text him countless like “where are you?”, “why are you not replying me?”, “are you home yet?”. WTF so annoying… Ugh thinking about those time, I was being disgusting.
Then after that he somehow (he told me) he stopped going to massage parlour for whatever reason. Mate, he’s the most religious man I know at that time. Sometimes being religious doesn’t mean pure and sinless. And he asked me to marry him, LOL via chat. Silly me said, okay. Homie didn’t even dare to go to my father to ask for my hand, I had to tell my father by myself while he sat beside me sweating all over, I’m not exaggerating. I quote his word “I don’t connect well with girlfriend’s family, last one treated me badly”. But mine didn’t, hello? Mine even took him out for dinner, family trip, included him in discussion. Even in big family reunion he got better crab cut and more crabs than I did! Still mad about it 😡
We then prepared our wedding, went to wedding exhibitions, looked for vendors. I was at the happiest time in my life during the time we prepared for it. Things were going so well, too well. He was being sweet, and we were lovey dovey happy couple.
But of course being me, I can’t let life goes too well without storm, at that time. I had to check something. I had to know what he’s like if we don’t have any money, because we can’t argue, money is everything. And that was the right time to check, because he said he was going to buy an apartment for us, studio apartment, in a place I don’t like. That place was so far from our office, our office was just one block apart, and he decided to choose the place that doesn’t have any easy transport option. Me being someone who never live so far from school, college, and office, I was shocked. He was going to buy a studio apartment for us, I was going to chip in if he asked for my opinion, which he didn’t. At that time I somehow know he wasn’t really serious with me. Communication is the key to healthy relationship. Then after he decided he will buy the place, he asked me to chip in. The audacity. I was mad, so I thought this is the right time to test him! I told him I got no money to chip in. The disappointment was real. He was disappointed in me for not saving money for that. Uh, I save money for my wedding, and the place I want. Not the place you were going to buy without asking me first. If we’re going to get married, he needs my thoughts on the place we’ll be living at, right?
After that test, he’s never the same. He was so bitter with me. Then one night after he dropped me at my place after eating out, he took out his phone and at a glance I saw whatsapp popup notification with message that includes love emoticon. My eyes can’t be wrong. I asked him immediately, and he was shocked and denied strongly. You know something’s off when the denial was strong. I decided to let if go, but cautious. This is when I was being toxic. I told him to share live location until he get home. Redflag.
That whatsapp notification was what got me started being toxic again. Just like the previous toxic state, I text him countless like “where are you?”, “why are you not replying me?”, “are you home yet?”. But this time if I don’t get immediate response, I would get mad at him.
Then perhaps he got tired, he admitted he’s seeing someone else. Someone that landed him a new job. Then I told him, she might put his CV on HR table, but you should know I, too, did my part on telling his boss to hire him. She might have connection, but I too have my way. I was being an arse, I know.
We didn’t break up, because he said he would stop seeing her. What can I say, I just like wasting my time. He said he would stop seeing her and cut all connection with her, but I’m still suspicious of them.
My suspicion was not wrong. When we went to his apartment to gather things we’d sell on our shop (I helped him selling imported stuffs), I saw girl’s hair accessory. I know it’s not his sister’s, because his sister doesn’t wear that kind of accessory. I asked him. Then he said it’s that girl’s accessory. She came to his apartment last night, he claimed they didn’t do anything (LOL). But the next day his smartphone smartly auto upload backup data to our shared drive, which contains their photos on his bed, she wore her sleeping short pants with fresh after shower hair, doing mask with him. She looked like a good girl, someone who won’t go after someone else’s boyfriend. She knew he had a girlfriend at that time but still chased after him. Funny.
The amount of tears wasted on them was not small. I got hospitalised three times because of the stress it caused. Heck, I’m still confused at my old self, why did I hang on to that sinking relationship… wasted my time and almost costed me a life.
Then I came to realise. I was not mad because I loved him. It was because I simply hate having things on my plate being taken.
The ego.
Then I got tired of holding to a relationship that’s hurting me and my ego. I called his parents to bid my farewell, because his parents were nice to me. His parents knew all along, but can’t say anything since he’s being so strong-headed. After I bid my farewell to his parents, I then text him my farewell.
I was going to share their photos on his bed to his mum, but decided not to. Considering she’s nice to me, and I don’t want her to fall ill due to shock.
Story still hasn’t ended.
After we broke up, there were still drunk calls. Never text, just calls. I just loved to annoy him. He can’t live in peace when I’m not. Sigh… I was a real jerk.
But not anymore, since I got tired and decided to believe karma will have it’s way to them some day. Because he’s a devoted Catholic, I gave him this verse.
“Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.”
Galatians 6:7
I’m so sorry for being toxic.
By Bern 